I have fever.
A cold that is trying to kill me and this asshole welcomed me home.
Ok guys, it’s time for me to go to bed, tomorrow I will be out for six days for the Annecy International Animated Film Festival, wish me luck because I’m going to try again to talk with someone of Disney and find a work somewhere (hope).
I will try to connect sometimes by my tablet, I hope it will be wifi there in the house.
Write me ask, whatever you want, I will read them all when I’m back, Or I’ll try to read and answer there. :)
PS. I will drink a beer for you all, too.
The beauty of being Italian. <3
DEPECHE MODE, JULY 20, ROME, I WILL BE THERE.
Ok it’s official, both recruiters rejected me telling me I’m not the profile they are searching for.
I’m not doing any interview with Disney.
Hey anon, let me tell you a story.
When I wanted to kill myself I was just 12. I knew I was gay, or better … I knew something was “wrong” with me. I was different from the rest of the people around. I thought I had nothing special and that everybody hated me. I drawn, yeah, but it was a curse. My mother yelled at me that was the only thing I cared, and the only thing I did all day, and that she wanted to take off me all the things to prevent me to draw again. My father yelled at me that I was better than this but I still failed. I failed at everything.
I wasn’t the best at anything. I did some draws and my classmate destroyed them. They made fun of me, I was so scared to even sneeze in class. I put two fingers in my throat sometimes to puke and pretended to be sick to not go to school.
I loved (yes, loved) one of my classmates, she hated me, and I don’t even know why. She was like … disgusted by me, and I don’t know why.
That was the worst time of my life, the worst, and I have not the best childhood even. There was nothing in the world for me. I wanted to jump in front of a truck to just end my life, right there, outside the school to show everyone what they did to me. But I was scared.
I had the worst puberty ever, because my classmates were all “sex, blowjobs, boobs, dicks and pussy” and I was disgusted by men.
I thought that if I was a lesbian that was the last straw in my stupid useless life. Because I couldn’t be THAT disgusting. THAT STRANGE. Weirder than ever. I couldn’t be a loser and be EVEN GAY.
So, one of the inifnite nights where I couldn’t study because everything was so useless, I get out of my window and look down my balcony. I pushed my leg - just one leg - out and look down again, thinking if I jumped in some way I could die breaking my head. No pain. A smooth death.
I thought of my parents or, like you, of that somebody would have find me. And I was scared even more. Because I didn’t wanted to do them that, but also I didn’t wanted to live anymore.
Life was too cruel and I was just a freak that wouldn’t have been like the others. Never.
I was a freak because I wanted more in my life even if I didn’t know what at that time. I was a freak because I wanted to love someone but I was disgusted by men and I didn’t liked sex.
I was a freak because I wasn’t like the others girls, I didn’t wear girls clothes, and I hated bra and high heels and skirts. And that made my parents so frustrated.
And I didn’t like hanging out with others of my age. I preferred writing, a good book, a movie.
I was a freak.
I wanted to die.
And that time, you know what happened?
I don’t know.
I don’t know what happend because I felt “something” pull me by my hoodie, in my back. And a second later I was on my chair, inside my room, with my window closed.
You know. That wasn’t the end. I was still very scared, and feeling numb every day.
I hated me, I hated me more than I hated everyone. Because I wasn’t brave enough to be like everyone wanted me to be.
You know, even today I think I want to die instead of look at the mess that is this world. Sometime I feel so desperate and so disgusted. Sometimes I want again to be … normal.
But I’m not normal. You’re not normal. No one is normal.
And I understand that my desperation was because I wanted to feeling something. That I wanted to love with all my heart an my life without give a fuck if I would have been hurt or not. It’s love and I want it.
I wanted to be special, and I wanted to be proud of me.
I wanted to push me out of my stupid little city and live a life so beautiful and amazing. Something that when I will be in my dead bed I will say: I regret nothing. Seriously.
I was a “freak” because I loved life too much and I didn’t want to be just “normal” as anyone pretended to be just for the sake of being in peace with the society.
You don’t have to care about the fact that somebody is gonna miss you. Somebody will miss you for sure but you won’t know because if you kill youself you will be dead my friend. No second chance.
I had nothing, no friends, until some recent years. And they still don’t know me yet.
Nobody loves me, like a lover I mean.
And I have too much love to give.
And life sucks my friend, is a bitch. The worst.
But if you be patient, if you makes yourself the center of your world, fuck off the others, you will find your way.
There are so many things you will miss if you die, anon.
And I can assure you there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. But the living one.
Take your time, be brave and build you life.
You will be alone? Well, you know what my favorite part of “Defying Gravity” says?
“And if I’m flying solo at least I’m flying free”
I’m alone and this hurts me so much. I was alone all my life, even if my family support my dreams. But I feel so alone.
But you know, give time time.
Life is hard and is for the bravest, and you are brave my friend. Because I can see from what you wrote me.
You are a lover, you thought about that one who could have found you.
Because you have so much love in your heart.
Don’t waste it, don’t deprive this earth of a heart like yours.
You are strong, and brave. And it’s all because the love you have inside you. You just need to take it out, and use it at your advantage.
You will be a hero, the hero of your own story.
And everyone screw up, someone worse than the others, but this doesn’t mean we can’t learn from our mistakes, even if we do them over and over again.
Be brave and strong.
Also, my godfather killed himself years ago. He was like a father for me.
And I can say you that we can’t forget him, I didn’t “move on”. I miss him too much even today.
There’s no healing from a pain like a suicide.